Advice for Married People.
Marriage is a great sacrament, I say in Jesus Christ and in His Church. It is honorable among all, in all, and in every respect, that is to say, in all its parts. Among all; for even virgins ought to honor it with humility. In all; for it is equally holy among the poor and among the rich. In every respect; for its origin, its end, its usefulness, its matter, and its form are holy. It is the nursery of Christianity, which fills the earth with the faithful, to accomplish in Heaven the number of the elect; so that the preservation of the honor and holiness of marriage is of the utmost importance to the good of society, of which it is in a manner the root and source.
Would to God that His well-beloved Son were invited to every wedding, as He was to that of Cana! The wine of consolations and blessings would never be lacking there. For what makes it so often lacking is that, in place of Our Lord and the Blessed Virgin, only license and scandal are invited. Whoever would be happy in marriage must, at the outset, deeply impress upon himself the holiness and dignity of this sacrament; but instead of this, it is then that people give themselves over to a thousand excesses in games, feasts, and words. It is therefore no wonder that the consequences are so disastrous.
Marriage is a great sacrament, I say in Jesus Christ and in His Church. It is honorable among all, in all, and in every respect, that is to say, in all its parts. Among all; for even virgins ought to honor it with humility. In all; for it is equally holy among the poor and among the rich. In every respect; for its origin, its end, its usefulness, its matter, and its form are holy. It is the nursery of Christianity, which fills the earth with the faithful, to accomplish in Heaven the number of the elect; so that the preservation of the honor and holiness of marriage is of the utmost importance to the good of society, of which it is in a manner the root and source.
Would to God that His well-beloved Son were invited to every wedding, as He was to that of Cana! The wine of consolations and blessings would never be lacking there. For what makes it so often lacking is that, in place of Our Lord and the Blessed Virgin, only license and scandal are invited. Whoever would be happy in marriage must, at the outset, deeply impress upon himself the holiness and dignity of this sacrament; but instead of this, it is then that people give themselves over to a thousand excesses in games, feasts, and words. It is therefore no wonder that the consequences are so disastrous.
I exhort married persons especially to the mutual love which the Holy Spirit so strongly commends to them in Scripture. It is nothing to tell them: love one another with a natural love, for animals love one another in this way; nor is it anything to tell them: love one another with a human love, for the heathen have practised this kind of love; but I say to you after the great Apostle: _Husbands, love your wives as Jesus Christ loves His Church. Wives, love your husbands as the Church loves her Saviour._ It was God Who brought Eve to our first father Adam, and gave her to him for a wife. It is God also, my friends, Who with His invisible hand has formed the sacred bonds of your marriage, and has given you to one another. Why, then, should you not love one another with a love wholly holy, wholly sacred, wholly divine?
The first effect of this love is the indissoluble union of spouses, which is made so strong by the application of the merits of the blood of Jesus Christ, that their soul ought to be separated from their body before the husband from his wife. Now this union is less that of bodies than that of hearts and affections.
The second effect of this love must be the inviolable fidelity of spouses. In ancient times seals were engraved on rings worn upon the finger, as Holy Scripture itself bears witness. Here, then, is the meaning of the ceremony performed at marriage: the Church, by the hand of the priest, blesses a ring and gives it first to the man as the seal of the sacrament which closes his heart to every love other than that of the wife who has been given to him, at least so long as she shall live. After this the husband places the ring in his wife’s hand, so that she may in turn know that, so long as he lives on earth, she must admit into her heart no other affection than that which Our Lord has just blessed.
The first effect of this love is the indissoluble union of spouses, which is made so strong by the application of the merits of the blood of Jesus Christ, that their soul ought to be separated from their body before the husband from his wife. Now this union is less that of bodies than that of hearts and affections.
The second effect of this love must be the inviolable fidelity of spouses. In ancient times seals were engraved on rings worn upon the finger, as Holy Scripture itself bears witness. Here, then, is the meaning of the ceremony performed at marriage: the Church, by the hand of the priest, blesses a ring and gives it first to the man as the seal of the sacrament which closes his heart to every love other than that of the wife who has been given to him, at least so long as she shall live. After this the husband places the ring in his wife’s hand, so that she may in turn know that, so long as he lives on earth, she must admit into her heart no other affection than that which Our Lord has just blessed.
The third fruit of marriage is the birth and good education of children. O husbands! how great is the honour God doth you, when, desiring to multiply men who may praise and bless Him eternally, He maketh use of you for so great a design; uniting to the beings ye form the souls He destines for them, and which He poureth into them like drops from heaven, at the very instant wherein He createth them!
Preserve, therefore, O husbands! a tender, constant, and cordial affection for your wives. For if the first of all women was taken from the side of Adam nearest his heart, it was that she might be loved by him cordially and tenderly. Far from suffering the weaknesses and infirmities, whether of body or of mind, to inspire you with any kind of contempt for your wives, you ought, on the contrary, to have for them only the more gentle and loving compassion, since God created them such, that, being dependent upon you, they might receive from you the greater honour and respect, and that you might be their superiors and heads, even while they are your companions. And you, O wives! love tenderly and cordially, but at the same time with a most respectful love, the husbands God hath chosen for you. For truly God hath given man greater strength and courage, that woman might be subject to him as bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh; and the first of your sex was formed from a rib of Adam, and taken from beneath his arm, that all might learn to remain under the hand and guidance of their husbands. And though Scripture enjoineth this subjection upon you strictly, it nevertheless maketh it sweet for you; for not only doth it desire that ye conform yourselves thereto with love, but it also commandeth your husbands to exercise it with great tenderness, gentleness, and sweetness: _Husbands_, saith Saint Peter, _behave yourselves towards your wives with respect and discretion, considering them as fragile vessels, who must share with you the inheritance of grace and life._
Preserve, therefore, O husbands! a tender, constant, and cordial affection for your wives. For if the first of all women was taken from the side of Adam nearest his heart, it was that she might be loved by him cordially and tenderly. Far from suffering the weaknesses and infirmities, whether of body or of mind, to inspire you with any kind of contempt for your wives, you ought, on the contrary, to have for them only the more gentle and loving compassion, since God created them such, that, being dependent upon you, they might receive from you the greater honour and respect, and that you might be their superiors and heads, even while they are your companions. And you, O wives! love tenderly and cordially, but at the same time with a most respectful love, the husbands God hath chosen for you. For truly God hath given man greater strength and courage, that woman might be subject to him as bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh; and the first of your sex was formed from a rib of Adam, and taken from beneath his arm, that all might learn to remain under the hand and guidance of their husbands. And though Scripture enjoineth this subjection upon you strictly, it nevertheless maketh it sweet for you; for not only doth it desire that ye conform yourselves thereto with love, but it also commandeth your husbands to exercise it with great tenderness, gentleness, and sweetness: _Husbands_, saith Saint Peter, _behave yourselves towards your wives with respect and discretion, considering them as fragile vessels, who must share with you the inheritance of grace and life._
But while I exhort you to make this mutual affection which you owe one another grow ever greater, take heed lest it turn into jealousy; for it often happens that, as a worm breeds in the most delicate and ripest apple, so jealousy too springs from the most ardent affection between husband and wife; and it so mars and corrupts its nature that soon nothing remains in the household but quarrels, dissensions, and divorces. Truly, jealousy never arises when friendship is founded on both sides upon true virtue: it is therefore an unmistakable sign of an imperfect, coarse, and sensual love, which has been bestowed upon a virtue that is weak, inconstant, and suspect. It is therefore a foolish pretension to seek to exalt friendship through jealousy; for though jealousy proves the greatness and vehemence of friendship, it proves neither its purity nor its perfection; since the perfection of friendship presupposes certainty of the virtue of the beloved person, whereas jealousy presupposes uncertainty of it.
Men, if you expect great fidelity from your wives, set them a great example yourselves. “With what face,” says Saint Gregory of Nazianzus, “do you expect your wives to be subject to the laws of chastity, if you give yourselves over to the license of voluptuousness? Why demand of them what they do not find in you? Would you have them chaste? Begin by making pure the fellowship you have entered into with them; and, as Saint Paul says, let each man know how to possess his vessel in sanctification of spirit. If, on the contrary, your evil ways corrupt in them the honesty of their conduct, do not wonder if thereafter your honor suffers from their unfaithfulness. But you, women, for whom honor is inseparable from modesty, be exceedingly jealous of your good name, and never permit any ill-regulated freedom to tarnish its brightness.”
Men, if you expect great fidelity from your wives, set them a great example yourselves. “With what face,” says Saint Gregory of Nazianzus, “do you expect your wives to be subject to the laws of chastity, if you give yourselves over to the license of voluptuousness? Why demand of them what they do not find in you? Would you have them chaste? Begin by making pure the fellowship you have entered into with them; and, as Saint Paul says, let each man know how to possess his vessel in sanctification of spirit. If, on the contrary, your evil ways corrupt in them the honesty of their conduct, do not wonder if thereafter your honor suffers from their unfaithfulness. But you, women, for whom honor is inseparable from modesty, be exceedingly jealous of your good name, and never permit any ill-regulated freedom to tarnish its brightness.”
Fear all things around everyone, however small they may be; never suffer any coaxing or foolish flattery. Whoever would praise the natural gifts Heaven hath given you ought to be suspect to you; for it is commonly said that he who warmly praises a wares which he cannot buy is ordinarily sorely tempted to steal it. But if anyone would join to your praises contempt for your husband, he offends you exceedingly, because it is evident that he not only seeks to ruin you, but already holds you half-ruined; and truly the bargain is half made with the second merchant when one is disgusted with the first. When I reflected that rich earrings were given to the chaste Rebecca on behalf of Isaac, her spouse, as the first pledges of his love, I thought that this adornment, whose use hath been established among women from all time, was more mysterious than is commonly believed, and than Pliny believed, who assigns no other reason for it than the pleasure of a certain sound made at their ears, which agreeably flatters their vanity. For my part, I believe, according to this observation of Scripture, that it is meant to signify the first right of the husband over his wife’s heart, which ought to close its ear to every voice but his; for, after all, one must always remember that it is through the ear that the heart is poisoned.
Love and fidelity together produce a sweet and familiar confidence, which manifests itself in tender and loving demonstrations, yet chaste and sincere: thus have the saints, both men and women, comported themselves in their marriages. Scripture has noted this in the conduct of Isaac and Rebecca, and by this Abimelech recognized what they were to one another: this was what nearly caused the great Saint Louis to be blamed, who, stern though he was towards his own flesh, had a tender affection for the queen, his wife, and often gave her signs of it that were exceedingly demonstrative: but he should rather have been praised for knowing so well, when he wished, how to lay aside his warlike spirit, in order to accommodate himself to those little duties so necessary for preserving conjugal love; for although these small demonstrations of affection do not bind hearts, they bring them closer, and serve to make sweet companionship agreeable.
Saint Monica, when she was with child of Saint Augustine, consecrated him several times to the Christian religion and to the service of the glory of God, as he himself testifies, saying _that, already in his mother’s womb, he had tasted the salt of God_. This is a great lesson for Christian women: to offer the fruit of their womb to the divine Majesty, even before it is born. For God, Who accepts the offerings of a humble and generous heart, ordinarily blesses a mother’s good dispositions at that time, as is shown by Samuel, Saint Thomas Aquinas, Saint Andrew of Fiesole, and many others. The mother of Saint Bernard, worthy mother of such a son, took her children in her arms as soon as they were born and offered them to Jesus Christ, after which she loved them with reverence, as a sacred trust that God had committed to her; and this prospered so happily for her that, in the end, all seven of them were exceedingly holy.
Saint Monica, when she was with child of Saint Augustine, consecrated him several times to the Christian religion and to the service of the glory of God, as he himself testifies, saying _that, already in his mother’s womb, he had tasted the salt of God_. This is a great lesson for Christian women: to offer the fruit of their womb to the divine Majesty, even before it is born. For God, Who accepts the offerings of a humble and generous heart, ordinarily blesses a mother’s good dispositions at that time, as is shown by Samuel, Saint Thomas Aquinas, Saint Andrew of Fiesole, and many others. The mother of Saint Bernard, worthy mother of such a son, took her children in her arms as soon as they were born and offered them to Jesus Christ, after which she loved them with reverence, as a sacred trust that God had committed to her; and this prospered so happily for her that, in the end, all seven of them were exceedingly holy.
When children have come into the world and begin to make use of reason, fathers and mothers must take great care to impress the fear of God upon their hearts. This is what the good Queen Blanche did excellently with regard to King Saint Louis, her son; for she often said to him: _My dear child, I would far rather see you die before my eyes than see you commit a single mortal sin._ This was so deeply engraved upon the soul of this saintly son that never afterward, as he himself related, was there a day of his life on which these words did not come back to him; and he strove, as far as he was able, to observe their divine instruction faithfully.
In our language, races and generations are called _houses_; and the Hebrews themselves, to signify the growth of a family and the good upbringing of children, used this expression: _to build a house, to make a house_. It is in this sense that it is said that God built houses for the wise women of Egypt. Now, this shows us that to make a good house is not to heap up much property and riches in it; rather, above all, children must be well brought up in virtue and the fear of God. In this, one must spare neither pains nor labour, since children are the crown of father and mother. We therefore see that Saint Monica struggled without ceasing against her son’s evil inclinations, even to the point that, having followed him over land and sea, she at last made him, through the conversion of his soul, more happily the child of her tears than he had been, through the formation of his body, the child of her blood.
In our language, races and generations are called _houses_; and the Hebrews themselves, to signify the growth of a family and the good upbringing of children, used this expression: _to build a house, to make a house_. It is in this sense that it is said that God built houses for the wise women of Egypt. Now, this shows us that to make a good house is not to heap up much property and riches in it; rather, above all, children must be well brought up in virtue and the fear of God. In this, one must spare neither pains nor labour, since children are the crown of father and mother. We therefore see that Saint Monica struggled without ceasing against her son’s evil inclinations, even to the point that, having followed him over land and sea, she at last made him, through the conversion of his soul, more happily the child of her tears than he had been, through the formation of his body, the child of her blood.
Saint Paul leaves the care of the household to women; for this reason, many think, and rightly so, that their devotion is more useful to the family than that of their husbands; because the latter, being almost always occupied outside the home, cannot teach virtue so easily. This is why Solomon, in his Proverbs, makes the happiness of the whole household depend upon the care and authority of that valiant woman whose character he so well portrays.
It is said in Genesis that Isaac, seeing that his wife Rebecca was barren, prayed to the Lord for her; or, as it is said in the Hebrew text, prayed to the Lord opposite her, because one prayed on one side of the oratory, and the other on the other; and so their prayer was granted. This is precisely the most excellent and useful union that can exist between a husband and wife: that of devotion, to which spouses should both inspire one another with a holy emulation. There are fruits, such as quinces, which, because of the harshness of their juice, are scarcely agreeable except when made into preserves; and there are others also which, because of their great delicacy, cannot be kept unless they are preserved in syrup, as are apricots and cherries. In like manner, wives should desire that their husbands be steeped in the sugar of devotion; for, without devotion, a man is naturally irritable, violent, and impetuous; and husbands should desire that their wives be devout; for, without devotion, a woman is extremely fragile, and her virtue in very great danger of being lost. Saint Paul said, _that the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife, and the unbelieving wife by the believing husband_; because, in this close bond of marriage, either may easily draw the other to virtue; but what a blessing it is when husband and wife, both believers, sanctify one another through a true fear of the Lord!
It is said in Genesis that Isaac, seeing that his wife Rebecca was barren, prayed to the Lord for her; or, as it is said in the Hebrew text, prayed to the Lord opposite her, because one prayed on one side of the oratory, and the other on the other; and so their prayer was granted. This is precisely the most excellent and useful union that can exist between a husband and wife: that of devotion, to which spouses should both inspire one another with a holy emulation. There are fruits, such as quinces, which, because of the harshness of their juice, are scarcely agreeable except when made into preserves; and there are others also which, because of their great delicacy, cannot be kept unless they are preserved in syrup, as are apricots and cherries. In like manner, wives should desire that their husbands be steeped in the sugar of devotion; for, without devotion, a man is naturally irritable, violent, and impetuous; and husbands should desire that their wives be devout; for, without devotion, a woman is extremely fragile, and her virtue in very great danger of being lost. Saint Paul said, _that the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife, and the unbelieving wife by the believing husband_; because, in this close bond of marriage, either may easily draw the other to virtue; but what a blessing it is when husband and wife, both believers, sanctify one another through a true fear of the Lord!
Moreover, mutual forbearance must be such between husband and wife that they are never both angry at once; this is the way to ensure that there be neither division nor quarrel between them. Honeybees cannot stay in places where the echo doubles the sound and makes the voice resound; even so, the Holy Spirit cannot dwell in a house where there is disturbance, the tumult of quarrels, and shouting.
Saint Gregory of Nazianzus relates that, in his time, Christians celebrated the anniversary of their wedding day. Assuredly, I would greatly approve of this custom being introduced among us, provided it were not kept with the trappings of worldly and frivolous merrymaking, but that the spouses, having made a good confession and received Communion on that day, should commend their marriage to God more earnestly even than usual, renewing their good purpose to sanctify it ever more by mutual affection and fidelity; thereby they would take fresh heart in Our Lord, and be better able to bear the inevitable sorrows and burdens of their vocation.
Saint Gregory of Nazianzus relates that, in his time, Christians celebrated the anniversary of their wedding day. Assuredly, I would greatly approve of this custom being introduced among us, provided it were not kept with the trappings of worldly and frivolous merrymaking, but that the spouses, having made a good confession and received Communion on that day, should commend their marriage to God more earnestly even than usual, renewing their good purpose to sanctify it ever more by mutual affection and fidelity; thereby they would take fresh heart in Our Lord, and be better able to bear the inevitable sorrows and burdens of their vocation.