The Second Cleansing, Which Is That of the Affections for Sin.
All the Israelites came out of the land of Egypt; but they did not all come out of it in heart and affection. And so, when they were in the wilderness, many regretted the onions and the meats of Egypt. Thus there are sinners who actually come out of sin and yet do not lose their affection for it. They indeed purpose to sin no more, but with a certain reluctance to deprive themselves of the pleasures of sin; their heart renounces it and turns away from it, but nevertheless it often turns back in that direction, as Lot’s wife turned back towards Sodom. They abstain from sin as the sick abstain from melons: they do not eat them because the physician threatens them with death if they do; but they are distressed by this deprivation: they speak of them, they hesitate as to what they should do, they would at least like to taste them, and think very happy those who can eat them. In like manner, these weak and fainthearted penitents abstain from sin for a time, but reluctantly: they would gladly sin without being damned, they speak of sin with relish, and think happy those who give themselves up to it. A man resolved to take revenge will change his mind in confession; but shortly afterwards he will be found among his friends, taking pleasure in speaking of his quarrel, saying that, were it not for fear of God, he would have done this and that; that the divine law is most burdensome; that forgiveness of injuries is very difficult; that God would grant that it were permitted to take revenge! Ah! who does not see that, although this poor man is out of sin, he is nevertheless wholly entangled in affection for sin, and that, though he has in fact come out of Egypt, he is still there in desire, still loving and regretting the onions he used to eat there? Even as does that woman who, after detesting her misconduct, nevertheless takes pleasure in being flattered and courted. Alas! how such people are in danger of being lost!
All the Israelites came out of the land of Egypt; but they did not all come out of it in heart and affection. And so, when they were in the wilderness, many regretted the onions and the meats of Egypt. Thus there are sinners who actually come out of sin and yet do not lose their affection for it. They indeed purpose to sin no more, but with a certain reluctance to deprive themselves of the pleasures of sin; their heart renounces it and turns away from it, but nevertheless it often turns back in that direction, as Lot’s wife turned back towards Sodom. They abstain from sin as the sick abstain from melons: they do not eat them because the physician threatens them with death if they do; but they are distressed by this deprivation: they speak of them, they hesitate as to what they should do, they would at least like to taste them, and think very happy those who can eat them. In like manner, these weak and fainthearted penitents abstain from sin for a time, but reluctantly: they would gladly sin without being damned, they speak of sin with relish, and think happy those who give themselves up to it. A man resolved to take revenge will change his mind in confession; but shortly afterwards he will be found among his friends, taking pleasure in speaking of his quarrel, saying that, were it not for fear of God, he would have done this and that; that the divine law is most burdensome; that forgiveness of injuries is very difficult; that God would grant that it were permitted to take revenge! Ah! who does not see that, although this poor man is out of sin, he is nevertheless wholly entangled in affection for sin, and that, though he has in fact come out of Egypt, he is still there in desire, still loving and regretting the onions he used to eat there? Even as does that woman who, after detesting her misconduct, nevertheless takes pleasure in being flattered and courted. Alas! how such people are in danger of being lost!
Philothea, since you desire to undertake the devout life, you must not content yourself merely with leaving sin behind, but must also wholly free your heart from the actions that depend upon sin. For, besides the danger of falling again, these wretched attachments would continually enfeeble your spirit, and weigh it down so heavily that it could no longer perform good works with that promptness, perseverance, and zeal which are of the very essence of true devotion. Souls which, after leaving sin behind, still retain these attachments and languors resemble, in my opinion, persons afflicted with the green sickness: they are not absolutely ill, but all their actions are sickly: they eat without relish, sleep without rest, laugh without joy, and drag themselves along rather than walk. In like manner, these souls do good with such great spiritual weariness that their good works, already very few in number and small in effect, cease to have the least grace.